Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
