If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Randomize
