I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
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