I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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