I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
