Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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