Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
