fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
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i wish peter jackson would direct porn
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
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I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk