I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
