At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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