Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
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