so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
