If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
