Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
