Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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