This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
