Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
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