I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
