We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She told me I should be a condom model.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
