WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
