rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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