He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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