so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
