If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
