I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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