I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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