My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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