I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
