my vag is so smooth its legendary
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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