Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
