he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
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took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
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I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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