I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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