no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
