i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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