**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's shark week go big or go home
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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