we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
