i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
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