Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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