I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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