Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My vagina is very pro this idea
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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