he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
