I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
