Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
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