apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
