I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
