it hurts more in the daytime
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
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