Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
