her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
