RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
