You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
