So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
