hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Randomize
