cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
