Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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