i just wanna soil my oats bro
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
NoShamevember. You game?
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
