I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
