"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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