someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
